Red Zone Cuba (1966)

Red Zone Cuba is a meandering - but still oddly abrupt and baffling - concoction written, directed, produced, and botched by Coleman Francis, an American film director and actor with a disturbing preoccupation with light aircraft and desert locations (Red Zone Cuba offers both in abundance).

The film opens with a greasy, young reporter asking some worn train engineer about three schmucks whose names I can't remember (and I
checked IMDB one minute ago). One of these schmucks apparently "ran all the way to hell".

One of the guys, Coleman Francis that is, seems to have escaped from jail. He runs into the other guys, two bean slurping hobos on the run (from something). These three make their way to Cherokee Jack, some dude with a plane. He flies them to a military training facility for some reason. Coleman all of a sudden decides to strangle one of his new friends (he doesn't succeed in killing him, though). Then they attempt to escape (the reason being something with money, lack thereof probably). They get captured and forced to invade Cuba (naturally).

On Cuba - which has an eerie resemblance to the desert they just left - they are immediately captured again (naturally). After a lengthy and boring sequence of executions they manage to escape yet again, after ditching a dying friend who nags on about a tungsten mine back home. Cue the Colemanian light aircraft. With a freshly stolen plane they head back to the US. Back home they celebrate their recently acquired freedom by dropping a gloomy café owner down a well, killing him and leaving his blind daughter running the café alone. Heart-warming.

Finally they decide to steal the tungsten from the bozo they left dying on Cuba. Enter the college squad AKA the local police force - oh, and more light aircraft. Coleman refuses to turn himself in, finding it more dignified to be shot down in the desert by a helicopter. Rummaging through his pockets one of the police men utter this spot-on gem: "Ran all the way to hell... with a penny and a broken cigarette". THE END! My mind hurts...

Screenshots coming up.

Drunken Master (Hong Kong, 1978)

Jackie Chan lacks discipline. Therefore (?) he is sent to a scruffy, drunk beggar with no hygiene. They drink a lot to emulate eight modes of drunken fighting. This comes in handy when Jackie's father is hunted by a hired assassin (!). There you have it.

Pros:

• Inordinate amounts of wine guzzling. Even during fights.





• A dead drunk kung fu master looking for a drinking companion. Kung fu masters sharing their wisdom.





• Scientific facts!





• Eight inane, random modes of drunk fighting. Here's one of them.




Others include: Tso, the desperate throat lock; Han, blowing his flute; Auntie Ho, swinging her body around.

Why not: Bozo, playing his xylophone; Hai Ho, the comatose; Grannie Pei, showing off, much to her family's embarrassment.


• Embellishes the joys of cirrhosis of the liver drunken fighting.

Cons:

• Could've used some sober people.

Snake in the Eagle's Shadow (Hong Kong, 1978)

A 200 year old clan, the deadly Eagle Claw Society, has, for no apparent reason at all, eliminated every other martial art style in existence. Well, except for one, of course: the Snake Fist school. Jackie Chan, and some bozo dressed as a beggar Grandmaster Pai Cheng-Tien, makes sure the Snake Fist school remains operative. This is achieved by using snakelike hand movements and jumping around whilst hissing like a peevish cat.

This movie has lots going for it.

Pros:

• Christlike kung fu priests wielding crucifix knives.





• Lovable (and seemingly drunk) kung fu masters.





• Inane animal-like attacks. This is obviously the attack of a cat.





• Overzealous (and inappropriate) use of Jean Michel Jarre-music.



• The same sound effect used for everything. Be it punches, chopping or general movement of limbs.

Cons:

• Could've used some more Jarre.